Mistakes Made and Corrected
by: AW

 

Rating: M
Pairing: J/C
Summary: There were mistakes made over the years, what can she do to correct them?
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own the series and the characters that are related to Star Trek: Voyager, but the story is mine.
Date: December 1999
Length: 2066 words

Kathryn looked around at the sum and total of her life. This ship, in this quadrant with these people. One hundred and forty, no one hundred and fifty people whom she didn't know. She had to stop thinking of only the first few. Even though they had lost people over the last seven years, they had gained people too. At first it had

just been lonely souls like Neelix, Kes, Seven, but lately the crew had been re-populating on its own, going through the life process as she watched by the wayside.

Not experiencing life, but watching as it flew by. She had looked in the mirror this morning, and had seen an old woman. When had she aged like this? When had she stopped living? *The moment you let protocols and directives rule your life Kathryn.* It wasn't even that she wanted romance, and marriage...but just human contact.

Anything to make her feel alive again. She went through the processes, but she didn't live. Kathryn had died a little each day, and now she feared there was nothing which remained of her former self and all that was left was the Captain, and the Captain missed Kathryn dearly.

She had tried a couple of days ago to participate; she had gone to Sandrine's to socialize. Problem was she had shunned them for too long, and all they knew was the walking rulebook, which called itself "Captain". She regretted her choices, but she couldn't turn back the clock. As she had told the doctor all those years ago, "I won't turn back the clock, no matter how large the mistake and no matter how you might feel". She remembered her words, but she wished she could go back. She could change it all. She could stop pushing people away. Chakotay had told her, "Fine Kathryn, push me away. But just remember, 70 years is a long time to be alone." It was true, and the loneliness, the sound of the silence, and of her own thoughts was sometimes deafening, and painful.

She didn't sleep very well, she didn't do anything besides go to work and sleep, and she lived a lonely life with way too many regrets. And regrets could kill a person.

She went to her quarters, like she had so many other nights, only tonight was different. She walked into her quarters and looked around. "Q!" There was a flash of light and Q appeared. "You called my dear sweet Kathy?"

She looked at him, she stared him down, but it didn't seem to have much of an affect on the omnipotent Q. "Now, now Kathryn, you don't really expect those tactics towork on me do you?"

"Q get out of my quarters."

"Why are you expecting a guest? Chuckles perhaps?" Q looked at this poor lonely soul. *My my humans can be so stupid. They always think they have it the worst and that they are always right. You should listen to your first officer once in a while, that lug does know his stuff in some respects.*

"Never mind, you don't have company at all lately do you Kathy? Hmm? I've been watching you; you really do abide by that prime directive, and all that Starfleet mumbo jumbo way too strictly. You think you have it badly, you have no idea. Some of your counter-parts have had it much worse."

Kathryn looked up at Q, she really didn't feel like playing his games. "What are you talking about Q, my counterparts?"

"The alternate Kathryns, the one who never destroyed the array, the one who destroyed her ship and ended up on dear old Chuckles bucket of bolts. The one who never even went to Command school, and dear the one who killed themselves after that awful accident with your father and fiancé."

Kathryn paled. Why was he bringing this up, and what did he mean alternates. "Q, there is only me. There are no other Kathryns...I never killed myself, and I obviously never avoided destroying the array. If I had, I wouldn't be here." She was getting impatient with his little games.

"Do I hear regret in your voice? You know, you Captains are all the same. You do things, then you wish you hadn't. You wallow in self-pity. Jean-Luc was the same way, but I showed him."

Kathryn had just about had enough. "Q is there a point to your visit, because if not I'd really like to get some sleep. I have Alpha shift tomorrow morning."

"Do I have a reason for being here? I'm here to show you what could have been. That people will still be there in this timeline, if you'd let them. You humans think in such linear terms. You'll be back before they even realize you're gone. And by the looks of it, no one would notice anyway. Or maybe you'll be back before you realize you're gone."

Q was talking in riddles. "I've ruined it Q. Too many years running away from things I couldn't control. I've accepted it, and I really would just like to get to bed."

"Not tonight Kathy, as much as I hate to admit it, these pea-brained Voyager people need you." He snapped his fingers and there was a flash of light. And they were no longer aboard 'her voyager'.

She was on earth. She saw Mark, and herself. She was an admiral, she wore a wedding ring, and if this was an alternate timeline, and it was the same time, she looked much older than her years. This Kathryn didn't look happy either. *Maybe pining after Mark all those years wasn't right.*

"My my my Kathryn, just realizing this now. For an intelligent human, well as intelligent as they get anyway, you can be dense."

Kathryn glared at him yet again. She watched and the image slowly disappeared. Had she really been happy with Mark, she couldn't even remember any more, it was too long ago, it felt like another life.

"I guess we're going to have to show you another one."

There was another flash, and she was aboard the array. It was six years ago. Then she was back on Voyager with Chakotay and B'Elanna, it was the defining moment for her, and their journey into the Delta Quadrant. "Who is she to make these decision for us?" This is the part where in her timeline, he told B'Elanna, that she was the Captain. But he didn't, and something happened that horrified her, and sent shivers down her spine. "I don't know who she thinks she is B'Elanna, but she isn't going to destroy that array and strand us here." Then he pulled out a phaser, and Captain Kathryn Janeway was no more.

There was another flash, and she was somewhere that looked familiar. It was a planet. It reminded her of New Earth. *My god it is New Earth.* They were all there, they were in dress uniform. She was missing. Then she saw the casket. She was in the casket. "Yes Kathy, in this timeline, they didn't think about the planet being a factor quickly enough...quickly enough for you anyway. They did manage to save Chuckles...sort of. By the time they came back with the cure, he had killed himself. Couldn't deal with the loss, or with being alone I guess." She saw B'Elanna crying. *Now there's something I never expected to see. B'Elanna crying over my death.*

"Are you seeing it now Kathryn. It could be a lot worse than it is."

Kathryn lowered her head. She didn't think it could be any worse, she didn't think there was anything worse than loneliness.

"Alright, I guess by the looks of it, we're going to have to go on another trip."

They were on Earth. She looked at the chronometer. It was three days after the accident, which killed her father and Justin. She had a knife. Q spoke up. "Really Kathryn, a knife, couldn't you have found a less messy way to end it all." The Kathryn in this life had tears running down her cheeks. She plunged the knife into her chest. Blood went everywhere, and Kathryn watched as the last breaths left this stranger's body. The stranger who had her face. "God Q, that was awful."

"Are you beginning to see? You were one of the successful Kathryns. Apparently, you Kathryns aren't nearly as stable as you appear, but you do all put on a good show for the continuum. Kathryn was mortified. "Q how dare you? How dare you use us for your own amusement?"

He was getting to her. "One more stop."

"No more Q. I don't want to watch anymore."

There was another flash and they were at Starfleet headquarters. She was a lieutenant commander, except she wore blue, not command red. "What is this Q, I didn't follow the science path."

"Uh uh uh Kathy, in this timeline you did."

Kathryn stared at the lieutenant studying bacterial cultures. *How boring. I'm not sure what I ever saw in that.*

"Well now Kathryn, obviously at some time this provided enjoyment. Mind you it doesn't exactly look like fun does it? It was the safe way Kathryn. In this time you played it safe, and you became a science officer. You did make it aboard the Enterprise D, and have 2.4 children etc., but I don't think you really enjoyed life."

"How would you know Q! Do you call what I have a life. Do you call this living? I command the ship, and I sleep. I don't live."

Q sighed. "Alright Kathryn. But that was your choice. I'm trying to tell you, it was always your choice. And whatever choices you made, the decisions could have been different. You could have changed your world, all you had to do, all you would have to do is commit to it."

"You think I can change the world. You think so do you. If I went back all I'd get is the cold shoulder like I have for the past I don't know how many years."

Q looked at this poor soul. The woman he had in some ways loved. The woman he had wanted to have help him save the continuum. "If you could do it all again, would you have done it differently?"

She didn't have to say anything. He saw the promise in her. He saw the hope. He saw the love for a certain someone. He saw the woman inside the Captain's cloths peek out, only for a moment, but it was enough.

He laughed. "So be it!"

There was a flash, and then....

"We have to talk about this."

"Alright"

"I think we need to define some parameters. About us."

"I'm not sure I can, define parameters. But I can tell you a story, an ancient legend among my people. It's about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe. A man who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years he struggled with his discontent, but the only satisfaction that he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day he and his war party were captured by a neighboring tribe led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on her needs would come first, and in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace."

"Is that really an ancient legend?"

"No, but that made it easier to say."

Kathryn stared out at nothing in particular, and gave out a silent thanks to Q, for everything he had done. He had given her a gift more precious than anything. He had given her hope. He had given her dreams. And he had given her life.

THE END